Deeper Connection. More Love. Less Time. (Lisa Garr)

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Doctor Neha: Welcome to Talk RX with Doctor Neha. This week, I have a special guest and friend, Lisa Garr. We’re both Hay House authors, and she has so graciously agreed to ask her communication question so that all of you can learn as she does. Welcome, Lisa.

Lisa: Thank you. Actually my favorite thing is communication. I seek and I live for constant conscious communication. That is one of the things that floats my boat, to be honest with you.

I think why I like to conduct interviews so much is because they’re super concentrated, focused, zoned in time. It’s one of the quietest times of my day.

Doctor Neha: Wow, so you get to tune everything out, be really present, and it becomes your job.

Lisa: For Miss ADD over here, I love the focused time, because there’s nothing else to focus on, it’s just [the person in front of me].

Doctor Neha: Oh, I love that.

Lisa: I do too.

Doctor Neha: So what communication question do you have?

Lisa: Mine has to do with relationship. I’ve always been the type of person who is motivated. I was always into personal development. I am the type of person who can’t sit still for very long. I am probably terrified of boredom. You know nothing about that, right?

Doctor Neha: Yeah, I’m not an overachiever either.

Lisa: God bless my husband, who is such a great guy, because he’s my rock. He is steady. He’s consistent. He has a certain rhythm. He’s great, except when I can’t slow my brain down. He wants to talk about something, and I’ve got fifty million things going on. I need to focus, because he deserves my time. But it’s hard for me to go from a hundred to slow.

Doctor Neha: To slow down and focus. It’s interesting, because you’ll slow down for work.

Lisa: Yeah, it is weird.

Doctor Neha: What’s the difference between an interview and when your husband’s asking for your attention?

Lisa: That is a great question. I’m not scheduled to talk to him at a certain time. It comes between times where I could be or should be doing other things. We both work out of the house so he’ll catch me in between things.So he’ll be like, “Let me tell you about this great phone call I have…” But I can’t listen because I’ve got something so I tell him, “Look, I’ve got something else.” I hate doing that; he’s my husband.

Doctor Neha: It’s an important moment. He’s excited. He’s passionate. He wants to share.

Lisa: He just got off a great phone call and wants to share, and I don’t want to appear that I am insensitive. Sometimes I do sit there and listen—then I make myself late because I don’t know how to communicate to the man I love that “I don’t have time to have this conversation right now.” I feel horrible in saying that. There’s just no way I would.

Doctor Neha: Where do you feel that inside your body?

Lisa: Oh, it’s like right here [points to her belly].

Doctor Neha: Like your gut?

Lisa: Yeah. I stop breathing. I can pretty much be sure of that.

Doctor Neha: That will make you more anxious.

Lisa: Yeah.

Doctor Neha: A couple things are coming to mind. One of them is that there is excitement and joy of working from home together, so I wonder if there might be built-in time.

What do you do together that fills you and helps you connect?

Lisa: We ride mountain bikes together. That’s our zone.

Doctor Neha: Is it your zone silent? Or do you talk to each other?

Lisa: We talk the whole time, the best. That’s our spot. That’s our space.

Doctor Neha: Oh, I love that.So you do have quality time together. And what he’s trying to bring in is the spontaneity and in-the-moment piece of it.

Lisa: Right.

Doctor Neha: Lisa, I have to tell you that whenever I’m with you, I feel that from you: your spontaneity and your aliveness. It’s just how you show up. You’re really alive.

Lisa: I am.

Doctor Neha: Then there’s this zone where you get really focused.

Lisa: I do.

Doctor Neha: Sometime when you’re not mountain biking, throughout your day periodically, could you two have an appointment?

Lisa: Yes. He loves to sit outside on our deck. We have a fire pit and a couch, and he just loves sitting out there. Sometimes at night it’s hard for me to turn it off, because I go into another couple hours of research at night so that I’m prepared for the next day. During that transition time after dinner, where he likes to chill outside at the fireplace, I have anxiety. The thing is after I’ve worked a full day, our child comes home, I help with the homework, make dinner, and put her to bed, I get back to work, but my husband still needs time. That’s where I get anxiety.

Doctor Neha: I’m just going to give you a tool that you can ask him to use to get your attention: “Hey, Lisa, I just had this amazing call. It’s going to take me five minutes to tell you about it, when is a good time for you?” (See chapter 22 of TalkRx, “Prep for Success” for how to set up your conversations for success.)

Lisa: Aw, I feel so bad that he would have to even say that.

Doctor Neha: But what he’s getting right now is not really you.

Lisa: No, you’re right.

Doctor Neha: Communication doesn’t take a lot of time, but it does require your focus and presence.

Lisa: Maybe that’s it—I want to give him so much, and I don’t feel that I’m doing that in five- or ten-minute transitions.

Doctor Neha: Have you ever asked him?

Lisa: Asked him what?

Doctor Neha: Have you ever said to him, “Honey, when we’re in the middle of the day and you want to share something with me and I connect to you briefly and then I’m off. Does that feel satisfying to you? Do you feel connected? Do you feel like you were heard?”

Lisa: Oh, I’m sure he doesn’t. I should ask him.

Doctor Neha: No, but you don’t know yet.

Lisa: I don’t know.

Doctor Neha: What you do know is that you’re not present.

Lisa: Yes.

Doctor Neha: I’m wondering if what we should do is set up video cameras and chairs in your house[like when you interview someone] because that’s the place where you are focused and present.

Lisa: Okay, like a five-minute interview—go!That’s interesting.

Doctor Neha: Wouldn’t that be fun?

Lisa: Yeah.

Doctor Neha: [The other thing] isthe underlying driver, which is, in those of us who are so driven.The question becomes what is it that I’m driving for? Ask yourself, What am I running to? When will I know that I’m there? What is this that I’m so trying to achieve?

For me, there’s a part of me that didn’t feel heard or seen in my family. Now it’s almost intoxicating to be seen and heard in the world. I have to figure out how to heal that little girl who wasn’t seen and wasn’t heard so that what I’m doing is from a place of true giving rather than trying to fill a cup of, “Please like me, please like me, please like me.” Meanwhile, there’s a hole at the bottom of the cup. What would it feel like for my cup to be full?

Lisa: I was thinking about this on the way here on the plane. I was thinking about my whole life, how I have been that way and won awards and always having to be at the top of my game. I’ve interviewed people that have told me the story that they’ve been like me and they crashed. They finally realized that there was no more chasing, and then they dropped out completely. Lately, I’ve been thinking about what is it that I am constantly trying to achieve.

Doctor Neha: Every time I speak to you, you speak about your husband with so much love.I have no doubt that he is so important to you. I wonder, though, if there is someone in your life whom you felt that with either when you were young or you had to work really hard to be seen—or is there something on a parallel here that you can think of?

Lisa: I had parents who always liked to put me on the pedestal.My mom specifically—I was always dressed in the matching outfit.Now that I think about it. I was always put on that pedestal to perform. I won awards and national competitions. There was an emphasis in my family to do that.

Doctor Neha: Wow! What if, now, it’s about what truly makes you happy? What if your self-worth now comes from, what truly brings you joy?

Lisa: That’s why I love the interview. I love interviews, because I’m never the highlight of an interview. This is one of the first times anyone’s ever interviewed me. I’m always highlighting another person.

Doctor Neha: Interesting.

Lisa: My goal is to put you on the highest pedestal possible. That’s what I do. That’s why I’ve been so successful with it, because my goal is to allow you to shine, to allow you to get into the biggest audience possible. That’s what I do.

Doctor Neha: It’s so interesting, because your husband works so hard to get your attention. He believes you shine, right?

Lisa: He does.

Doctor Neha: You don’t let that in.

Lisa: No.He’s my biggest supporter.

Doctor Neha: He is. Now, though, you do what you learned when you were young. You put other people on a pedestal, because you were put there.

Doctor Neha: Now you’re moving into back into this space [of being on a pedestal], first with a book, on center stage, speaking?

Lisa: So unfamiliar to me, yeah.

Doctor Neha: People probably would have a hard time believing that about you. Like, “What? Hard for you?” You do this all the time.

I love that through your book and through your shows, you have put so many people there [in the spotlight] and this is where they’re now putting you—just like your husband’s putting you there—and you feel uncomfortable about that. What would it be like to surrender to the next phase of integration?

Lisa: That means being fully present at all times.

Doctor Neha: I don’t know if it means at all times.

Lisa: In the moments that mean something.

Doctor Neha: Yes, knowing what you value, like your husband, and building in ways that you allow love in.

Lisa: That’s what speakingon stage is—allowing the audience in.

Doctor Neha: OK, there’s something about that. Next time, when the audience claps, look at them.

Doctor Neha: Look at them as they’re clapping and see what it’s like to let it in. Do you know what I mean?

Lisa: Oh yeah.

Doctor Neha: They want to share their love and excitement with you.

Lisa: So does my husband.

Doctor Neha: Yes, he does.

Lisa: Yeah, I might be just running too fast.

Doctor Neha: Yeah. He’s going to be a happy man that you came and let me interview you.

Lisa: He should be here. He should watch this. I wrote a book about him.

Doctor Neha: You did. I love that about your book. It’s so real. It’s so authentic. It takes the turnaround moment in your life and allows us to get a sneak peek with you. Like we were there, you know?

Lisa: Thank you so much.

Doctor Neha: Yes. What would your take away be?

Lisa: About slowing down, about …

Doctor Neha: Slowing down to speed up. You’re going to get what you want in your life a lot faster when you slow down.

Lisa: I don’t think it’s going to matter. At those moments, they’re so full and complete that it’s not about getting [somewhere] anymore. It’s there.

Doctor Neha: Yeah. You get it…

Lisa: [I have to start]paying attention to the incredible beings that are in my house.

Doctor Neha: If any of you listening or reading are struggling with something similar—you find yourself in a fast-paced, chaotic life and you know that the things that you value most and are really important to you are going by the wayside—it’s time to reflect on what you’re making most important and whom and what you’re running toward. If you want to get clear about your values, read chapter 17, “20/20 Vision,” in TalkRx.

Thank you, Lisa, so good to see you.

Lisa: Thank you so much.

Your Awareness Prescription

  1. Identify who and what is most important in your life. (What you value)
  2. Schedule focused time with those you value (and love). If necessary, make it an official appointment like having tea for 20 minutes every morning or going for a walk at 7-7:30pm after dinner.
  3. Instead of assuming what someone likes or doesn’t like about your interactions with them, just, ask them for feedback. Yes, I mean out directly and out loud. For Lisa, that would have sounded something like this:
“Honey, when we’re in the middle of the day and we’re kind of busy, and you want to share something with me and I connect to you briefly and then I’m off. Does that feel satisfying to you? Do you feel connected? Do you feel like you were heard?”

 

Send me your questions—drop me a tweet at #AskDoctorNeha or write your question and comments down below.

To more love in less time,

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